Lie Count

When I started working I was a naive, fresh out of college kid.  I assumed my coworkers always told the truth.  Why would anyone feel the need to lie to someone on his own team?  It seemed to me that sharing the necessary information with everyone would help the team to draw the correct conclusions and be able to help if needed.  Clearly, I knew nothing of the real world; the world of corporate politics, information hoarding, back stabbing, ladder climbing and watch your back paranoia.

I went on being naive for a couple of years.  Sure, I knew people might stretch the truth on how hard they work or how great their accomplishments are, but never would I have imagined what I have since discovered.

It only took one lie to set off my internal lie detector and leave it on permanently.  It all happened during a small meeting of just four people.  We were discussing a project one of my suppliers was working on.  That morning we had received an overly apologetic e-mail from the supplier.  I was wondering what had prompted such a response.  I had not yet contacted the supplier about the problem he was apologizing for.  I spoke to my commodity manager, she had not contacted the supplier yet.  Her manager had not contacted the supplier.  We all turned our heads to the remaining person in the room. 

"I didn't talk to the supplier", he claimed. 
"Well, I didn't, the commodity manager didn't, and yet something must have provoked this response", I stated accusingly.
I knew this person was prone to talking to my supplier behind my back, often making my job more difficult.  I had addressed that issue with him before.
He sheepishly replied, "Well....maybe I faxed them".

Faxed?  Really?

1. Who communicates via fax?  E-mail and phone are available and far more efficient
2. The overly appologetic supplier e-mail seemed to be a response from having been yelled at.  As the e-mail was not a reply to another e-mail, I'm nearly certain a phone call was made.
3. The liar would be more prone to a phone call as it leaves no record of the conversation.

I was left wondering why anyone would waste their breath on such an obvious lie.  Everyone will figure out you contacted the supplier, and if somehow this lie is not caught, what will be gained from it?  I pondered, if he would tell such an obvious lie, what else had this man spouted that was complete and total bullshit.

And so it began.  I started keeping a tally of his lies.  I heard four lies in that meeting alone.  Those were just the lies I knew to be false, things I could prove.  I'm sure there were more that went undetected.  The commodity manager and I discussed the "maybe I faxed them" lie and I told her how I was now keeping a lie count.  Soon the lie tally found its way to my whiteboard, coworkers learned of it and would tell me when to add to it from meetings they had attended with the liar.

Lies varied from big to small.  From having a huge impact on things to not even needing to be mentioned.  Some examples ended up in a file I created to help remind myself not to trust the liar, and partially as evidence for when things would go poorly.
Example lies include:

• "We could just print those here, on the color printer on the floor".  When questioned on the existence of this printer, "the color printer we use for [customer] labels".  Those labels are supplied to us.  Rather than verify his information, he fabricates supporting evidence for his original lie.
• Withheld information that a supplier had made a 4 cavity mold when a 1 cavity mold was requested.  When someone else started to share this information, he tried to stop them.  The mold being 4 cavities made the inspection report useless.
• When no progress was made on a project, something was made up so progress could be reported
• "I don't remember who said it, but they said that's how we ordered it the first time around"  Umm..this is the first time around, and you don't remember who because no one said it.

Before long half my whiteboard was covered with tally marks.

One day the liar brought a supplier to my cube with a question.  The liar asked about my whiteboard.  With the large label of 'Lie Count' there wasn't much I could say.  I told him, "I've been tracking lies.  It helps me know what to believe and act upon".
He questioned,  "Is that between all of us here  [indicating our facility]?" 
"Sure" was my one word response. 
I'm not rude enough to say "no, it's just your lies" in front of the supplier, as much as I may have wanted to. 

As the tally grew, the lie count became more and more conspicuous.  My manager asked me about it.  I explained what it was and how it helped me.  It had started as a joke and a curiosity, but I learned a lot from it.  I noticed the liar's patterns, which helped me recognize when he might be lying, despite my not having proof.  This allowed me to act accordingly.  Listening for lies even helped me pay closer attention during meetings.

My manager told me my lie count could no longer remain so public.  I wanted to ask, "could his lies stop being so public?" but didn't. And so the lie count died with over 350 distinct known lies in 5 months.  I still doubt most of what the liar says and I still hear obvious lies from him.  I recognize his back-tracking patterns and ocassionally I wonder if I'd still be naively believing the liar if he hadn't, "well...maybe faxed them".

You know what happens when you assume...

...nothing, because no one here will be held accountable.

In today's workplace it appears that hard work and a job well done are rewarded with more work.  A coworker once complained to me about "shit rolling down hill", but I believe it would be more accurately described as "shit is attracted to competence".  My one friend sometimes refers to her job as the 'pooper scooper', and sadly it seems true.  She's capable of cleaning up the mess, and so mess gets dumped on her.

It would seem corporations are organized to reward the incompetent and punish those who actually get the job done.

Organizational charts should look something like this:

In reality, most organizations look like this:

So how is it that mindless crap machines remain employed?  To put it in corporate buzz lingo, these are employees that are 'non-value add'.  Only, they are worse than that, they are drains on the company.  I'm sure you know at least one of these people.  Someone who is not just awful at their job, but that makes the jobs of others more difficult, time-consuming, stressful, and unforgiving.  Or worse, they not only create useless chaos within the company, but waste the time and money of suppliers and customers as well.

Example time!  Let's say someone in purchasing doesn't understand when he's asked to quote a change, and instead he runs off and has the supplier implement the change.  The change was only being discussed and may not have been the final solution.  Others were just looking for a cost estimate to evaluate this solution.  Here the purchasing person has created extra work for the supplier, cost his company money, and frustrated coworkers who may have been evaluating other cheaper, quicker, better solutions.

The mistakes and piles of crap created by incompetent workers intensifies over vacation periods.  For example, perhaps a competent employee takes a day off to attend a funeral.  You'd think one day off wouldn't result in too much work to catch up on, but you'd be wrong.  While that competent employee is grieving, someone with less ability is trying to cover for them and creating mountains out of mole hills. 

Not that this is something I have any experience with.  But, let's say a problem becomes well broadcast in that one day of absence and several people learn about it.  It becomes something that requires weekly meetings and ends up taking 7 months to resolve because of who became involved.  That same problem, which had an easy solution, which was implemented and working fine, could have been handled in 3 weeks with minimal pain.

Perhaps an illustration will help.  The graph below represents the size of a problem based on who is working on the problem. 

As you can see, the problem quickly becomes overgrown in the hands of the incompetent employee.  This leaves the competent employee forced to resolve the problem, but it will take him more time and effort to do so.


Vacation is similarly a problem when the incompetent employee leaves for 2 weeks with all kinds of open issues in need of resolution.  Someone else will be forced to clean up the mess, and the vacationer can return to find his problems resolved.

Actually, perhaps that is the strategy of the incompetent employees.  "I don't know how to fix this, so I'll just let it sit until someone else takes care of it".  I want to give adults more credit than that, but perhaps to do so would be foolish.  Perhaps they are acting like a child asked to do a chore.  "If I do this poorly, or wrong so mom has to do more work to fix it, then she'll never ask me to do this again!" 

Which brings us back to the question of, WHY DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS? 

How to Appear Important - Brown-nosing and Name-dropping

[Disclaimer: blah, blah, use at your own risk, written consent of major league baseball, side effects are bad, all sales final, etc.]



How to Appear Important
Method 3: Brown-nosing and Name-dropping  (aka "networking")

Have you lost all self-respect?  Are you ready to get dirty and become a mindless drone?  If you answered "yes" to either of these questions, brown-nosing and name-dropping are for you!

Step 1: Name-dropping

A great way to appear important is to let everyone know of any association between you and people who actually are important. 

Did your boss give you instructions to do something a certain way?  Great!  If anyone questions you, just tell them "My boss said it needs to be done this way".  Did your college professor tell you you're great at math?  Next time someone questions your numbers, just state, "While attending University X, professor Z told me I was his favorite student."

Name-dropping during meetings is the perfect time to appear important.  Be sure to use the name of someone not attending the meeting.  As soon as you mention during your presentation, "while I discussed this with the CEO..." your audience will be in awe.  

When using this technique, watch out for other name-droppers and potential escalation bouts.

Name-dropping can also be used as an excuse.  When questioned as to why such an idiotic action was taken, I have heard, "Well, manager J knew about it, so I had to do something". 

Step 2: Brown-nosing

When name-dropping doesn't make you feel important enough, it is time to move on to brown-nosing.  Every hero needs a sidekick, and sidekicks still get some of the fame and glory.  If you can be seen as the company president's right hand man, then you will be considered important.

There are several different strategies one can take for brown-nosing

• Compliments and flattery - "Excellent presentation, sir"  "Sir, you're looking good today" 
• Task person - do anything and everything that is asked of you. "I'll get that coffee with 1 sugar and 2 creams right away"
• Friends  - use any common bond you may have, or just take up his interests as your own.  "I saw our favorite team played really well this weekend"
• Yes man - "I agree, cutting pay and doubling the workload is a brilliant cost savings strategy"

While brown-nosing and name-dropping are for people with no self-respect, a new label of "networking" has been applied to these ideas such that workers can pretend to be dignified while sucking up.  Networking is the polite (and preferred) term for office politics. 

Whenever I hear the term "networking", I picture a spider web where once someone has met you or talked to you, you are trapped in the web and they can use you however they please.

So go out, spin your web, suck-up some, and make yourself feel and appear important.

After all, it's not what you know, it's who you know; or so I've heard.

How to Appear Important - Be Heard

[Disclaimer: 3 and a half walls assumes no responsibility for the effects of implementing "How to appear important" strategies. Side effects may include: laziness, apathy, dislike, anger, weight gain, weight loss, people talking behind your back, internet addiction, believing you should be paid to do nothing, general feelings of superiority, drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery while using these strategies.  Consult your physician if conditions do not improve.  Use at your own risk. Discontinue use of "How to appear important" immediately if fired. Batteries still not included. Patent pending.]


How to Appear Important
Method 2: Be Heard

If no one can hear you, do you even exist?  Not in the corporate world.  Stop quietly accomplishing your work, instead start loudly disrupting the work of others!

Step 1: Speaker Phone

Quick!  Put that handset down!  Don't waste your breath doing actual work that no one can hear.  Speaker phone can help ensure everyone in the surrounding area will hear you doing work.  All it takes is the touch of a button.

Nothing says "I'm important" like using speaker phone from your cubicle.  It has that air of pretentiousness to it. 

Next time you find yourself making a business call, use speaker phone and talk loudly.  Don't worry about the fact that you're the only one at your location on the phone call and how it would be much less disruptive if you used the handset (or a headset if you have one).  That is not the point!  The idea behind this strategy is that you want everyone around you to know you are working.  If it makes their jobs more difficult because they can't hear themselves thinking, all the better.  It will give you an extra leg up on that corporate ladder.  If your manager's desk is within earshot, be sure to use speaker phone when he is around so he can hear just how important and hard working you are.

Method 2: Ask Questions

Asking questions is not only a great way to try and stay awake during meetings, but it's a great way to draw more attention to yourself and make you feel important.  Think back to your college days and that annoying kid in the lecture who always asked questions.  You know, the kid that made everyone groan when his hand shot up.  Sure, the other students despised him, but the professor knew that student's name.  Having your name known is the first step of brown-nosing and the only way to the top of the corporate world.

So, ask questions, just about any question will do, but here are some generic examples to get you started:

"What do you mean by [something just said]?"

"How will this effect the bottom line?"

"How did you arrive at your conclusion?"

"Is this going to take much longer?  I have other things I need to do"

Method 3: Spout Random Facts

If you find asking questions too difficult because of timing issues, spouting random facts is for you.  Timing and relevance are not required! 

One example of spouting random facts that I have always enjoyed is living in the past.  I have actually heard this while visiting a plastic supplier: "when I used to work in plastics in 1980, the new technologies were [list of stuff I have never heard of and further discussion of how great it was]".  There is no way anyone will interpret that as something other than thinking you are an expert.  No one will see through your statements and think, 'he's living off of former glory and has no idea of today's reality'.  Never.

Another great way to use random facts is to bewilder and confuse your audience. 

No one will refute your statement. Your wealth of knowledge will leave others in awe.  They will ponder how what you said fits into the conversation.  If anything, they will feel like the idiot for not understanding. 

 
 
 
So remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  Don't fall into the background, you want everyone at the workplace to know your name.  Everyone knows the company president's name.  Therefore, fame = importance.  So go claim yours with a loud voice.