3 and a half walls presents: How to Appear Important - Appear Overworked

All this week 3 and a half walls will be featuring easy ways to make yourself appear important.  All of these techniques can be learned and implemented by anyone in nearly no time at all.  Normally a book or seminar on these techniques would cost you $19.99!  I am here to give you this advice for FREE!

[Disclaimer:  3 and a half walls assumes no responsibility for the effects of implementing "How to appear important" strategies.  Side effects may include: laziness, apathy, dislike from others, people talking behind your back, internet addiction, believing you should be paid to do nothing and other general feelings of superiority.  Use at your own risk.  Discontinue use of "How to appear important" immediately if fired.  Batteries not included.  Patent pending.]

How to Appear Important

Method 1:  Always appear overworked

The brilliance behind this method is that you don't actually have to be overworked to pretend you are. 

Step 1:  Keep your desk cluttered

Clutter is great for looking busy.  "I have all this stuff on my desk because I'm in the middle of several projects.  I am very busy and important."  I like to keep parts on my desk, several stacks of paper, guides, catalogs, and other reference materials.  And boxes, boxes are great.  I have one I use for a footstool, and to appear important. 

If your company has rules regarding keeping your desk in order, it is a great opportunity to explain to your boss how you are too busy to keep your desk clean.  Try and find a balance between clutter and chaos.  Chaos will only lead to losing things and people commenting on your mess.

Step 2:  Procrastinate

Procrastination always gets a bad name, but I'm here to tell you how procrastination can help you look busy.  Say you have 4 things to do at work and you could finish them in the current workday.  Don't!  This way when someone asks you what you're working on, you can spout off a list of stuff that you "haven't had time to get around to yet".

Be sure to memorize this line: "It's not my top priority right now".  Now, when someone asks why you haven't done something, you will always have a perfect response.

Please note, anything with a deadline or that people are sure to ask about should be accomplished in a timely fashion.  Only apply this technique to those stupid little tasks that if you wait 2 months to do no one will notice or care.

Step 3: Meetings - better late or never

No, that's not a typo.  It is better to be late or just not attend meetings than actually show up on time.  First off, do you really want to sit through that boring meeting anyway?  No, you don't!  You'd rather play online.  Of course when someone asks why you missed the meeting, tell them about how busy you are, you just couldn't get away from whatever you were doing.

Showing up late to a meeting is a great way to draw attention to yourself.  By showing up late, and preferably out of breath from running to try and make it on time, you can show all the attendees how important you are because you couldn't make it there on time.

Step 4: "Working" overtime

Working extra hours is a great way to show how overworked you are, but do you really want to work extra hours?  Of course not! 

To implement this step you must first figure out if your boss is the arrive early or stay late type.  If he is the arrive early type, then you need to arrive early too.  Bring your breakfast and maybe a book in with you in the morning.  Get in early and hide in your cubicle.  Take a nap if you wish.  It's usually nice and quiet in the morning before all those annoying coworkers show up.  If your boss is a stay late type, then you need to be as well.  The quiet afternoon/evening hours are great for a game of cards on the computer, or perhaps printing off coupons for the shopping you need to do after work.

I know no one wants to stay at work longer than they have to.  I suggest taking a long lunch, or adjusting your schedule to still only 'work' 8 hours, while appearing to be at work more.  For instance, if you're staying  late to impress the boss, well then, sneak in a little late too. 



Remember, an overworked employee appears dedicated and hardworking.  Now you can have people think you are a hardworker, without the hassle of actually working hard. 

You're not as stealthy as you think you are...

In fact, you're rather obvious.  Your sneaky "printing" fools no one. 

I almost feel guilty laughing at the information hoarder's misfortune.  He has spent years gathering his knowledge base and rarely sharing it.  In this way, he ensures he will always be important.  This strategy is even more brilliant when it can be used to attend meetings others in your department do not go to.  "Well, I've been in meetings all day working on project X.  It's very time consuming and important."

Unfortunately for information hoarder, that knowledge base he worked so hard to build will soon be made obsolete by something new.

Information hoarder has not been assigned to the new project.  This aggravates him and his ire becomes more apparent each day.  It started with comments during department meetings, "I wasn't at that meeting.  How would they know how to handle x?  Did they think about y?"  Now it has evolved into 'stealth printing'. 

The main person from our department working on the new information is located near a printer.  When information hoarder hears her talking to anyone about the new information, he decides he needs to hear it.  However, his desk is too far away to get a good listen.  His solution?  Lumber over here and pretend to check the printer for something.  He must believe this is a genius plan, that no one will suspect that he's listening in.  Only one problem; it's incredibly obvious. 

Reasons why information hoarder does not go undetected:

1. There's a printer right next to his cube
2. He only comes over when the new information is being discussed
3. He lingers far longer than anyone printing something would need to
4. I sit directly across from the printer and have never seen him take anything
5. We all know he is upset over not being more involved with this project
6. Everytime he does this, a coworker notices and points it out to others.

So, Mr. Stealth Printer, I suggest you stop pretending and instead join the conversation.  Or, at the very least, come up with a better strategy for snooping. 

Time to hone those ninja skills.

The spiraling toilet of despair

I hate to admit that I have been at my job for 5 years, because it reminds me of just how apathetic I am towards my career.

5 years.  That puts me spiraling towards the crap in the middle of the toilet of despair.

A co-worker once encouraged me to, "get out while you still can!"  We then spent the next half hour drawing on my white board just how sucked into this place different employees are.  At that time I was still fresh out of college and just needed to gain experience and then escape to greener ($) pastures.  I was maybe 1/3 of the way to the interior of the toilet bowl.  My co-worker spent his time studying for the nursing classes he was taking.  He was near the outer rim of the toilet bowl with an escape route clearly in his sight.

Now is probably where I should explain that the company I work for is static.  The world around us changes, but we do not.  I think 80% of the people working here have been doing so for 20+ years.  There is no room to climb the ranks because the ranks are never vacated.  While occasional new hires exist, they leave for better offers quickly and no action is taken to retain young talent.  In my department alone (a department of 9 people currently) in the 5 years I've been here, there have been 7 engineers under the age of 30 who have left for better jobs. 

I should add to that statistic, but instead I'm treading water closer to the middle of that putrid toilet, with escape appearing more difficult thanks to the economy, a house, and an increase in apathy.

I have found it too easy to go through the motions, collect a paycheck, and die a little each day from the monotony of this place.